Burning Down the Senate

On the Sunday morning talk shows – following a politically disastrous week - Stephanopoulos and Russert both asked leaders of the Democrat party if they have any “advice” to offer George Bush. And the response, offered piously: Try reaching out to Democrats, and stop acting all crazy and conservative. Come to your senses, man! The mainstream media, to my knowledge, has never solicited the opinions of the GOP on ways the Democrats could achieve success – even though the Republicans might know more about it with all three branches of government under their thumb.

Luckily, for those of us who enjoy hardcore politics, there will be no tambourine-circle comity among the folks on Capitol Hill. It looks like the president has decided to put up a true-blue legal conservative for his next SCOTUS nomination. Months ago the liberal activists had developed a negative legal biography for every likely candidate – so the spin on Sam Alito was as easy as clicking on a file. The talking points are easy – he once wrote an opinion in favor of spousal notification of abortions, he’s probably against illegal immigration and his friends call him “Scalito” (a nugget that has become almost ubiquitous in all coverage even this early in the news cycle).

So there’s gonna be a fight. And it’s going to be ugly. The chickens have come home to roost on the filibuster-buster that was put in place by gang of fourteen earlier this year. The danger posed to Apple Pie from this soft-spoken Catholic will almost certainly trigger the “extreme circumstances” clause in the minds of senate Democrats, which will prompt Republicans to change the parliamentary procedure that allows endless delaying of a vote. This will, in turn, be portrayed by Democrats as contempt for democracy (despite the fact that the rules have zip to do with the Constitution and have been changed several times in the past). Burning cars will be overturned on the streets of DC, roaming gangs of Hill staffers will hurl trash cans through the window of Pottery Barn; and CNN and Fox will be in overdrive with breathless coverage of the confirmation hearings.

Hat Tip: To Nixguy on the ‘Think Progress’ link.

Side Note: One of the funnier T-shirts I’ve seen lately.

Colesium On the Potomac

The media salons and corridors of power are abuzz in Washington D.C. over the news that Karl Rove - the man the president calls Turd Blossom - has been granted a stay of political execution in the CIA leak investigation.

Cynics might see the Harriet Miers debacle as evidence that the bridge is empty on this ship of state - since Rove, the putative puppet-master, has been out of the office meeting with lawyers instead of managing upwards. Even many conservatives had their patience tried by this nomination, and they see the next candidate as a chance for the president to redeem himself. Can the folks in the White House focus on the real work of government long enough to pick a more suitable candidate? Or are they glued to Fox?

The wonks, pundits, politicians and ankle-biters want blood. They can smell it in the water. Many have grown conditioned to the pattern of political acrimony and investigation that marks a second administration, and they've been led down the primrose path - and then bitterly denied - one too many times when it comes to the Bushies. Today we will know for sure - but the roaring crowd in the political coliseum might be momentary appeased by the sight of Scooter Libby, former V.P. Chief of Staff, bruised and beaten and dragged before the ravenous lions.

UPDATE: A compelling press conference from a well-spoken public official. Libby is toast. Maybe Bush should nominate Patrick Fitzgerald to SCOTUS.

Mickey Mouse Protectionism

"America brings us democracy, whiskey, and sexy!"
- Some Iraqi Guy

There's a murky divide between the imposition of foreign cultural values and giving people what they truly want. I understand the critique of those who claim that America is smug, rich, and fat - and through the power of greenbacks and technology we jam our biggie-sized, bass-thumping, Kentucky-fried culture in places where it isn't ultimately welcome. If you're hunting for multidirectional irony check out the Muslim kid in the Finding Nemo T-shirt running towards the Red Cross relief helicopter to obtain a Kosher MRE after his country has been reduced to bricks by American JDAMs.

So I can understand why reactionaries to globalization like the folks at UNESCO think, at first, that they should put the brakes on the steady influx of Hollywood movies, one of our most influential and obnoxious exports. Hell, I get sick of American culture living smack in the middle of the country. So - even while I can't help but chuckle, I can sympathize, briefly, with the Canadians and French who are sponsoring the new treaty to enforce a stern variety of cultural protectionism.

But between the omnipowerful Internet (with technologies like bittorrent and iTunes) and the money-jangle of commerce, it seems like a lost cause - one which barricades the door for a few moments while the tidal forces of globalization only increase. With millions of dollars of boffo box at stake, Hollywood has already made an initial response, and it wasn't marked with Sean Penn sensitivity. Ace lobbyist Dan Glickman told a raft of French filmmakers that the cultural diversity argument was a load of phony foie gras, and the only "protection" here was of their increasing small share of movie revenue. The underlying message here - and it's one that may offend the dainty sensibilities of Left-coast liberals - is that you like our movies, you silly Frenchmen. And don't try and restrict your citizens' right to choose.

Side Note: Everybody has a dog in this fight. Some Pro and Con debate on the treaty at the Times of India.

Hardcore Upgrade Exploits

Be advised: Geek content.

On Saturday I rebuilt my main PC with a new motherboard and 64-bit processor purchased from Newegg. As she saw the devastation unfold my wife wisely decided to vacate the premises and run some errands - but not before delivering a few sarcastic jabs about my impending electrocution. I try this about once each year. And thanks to the large, idiot-proof diagrams I am mostly successful. This time I survived with nary a scraped knuckle.

The challenge is in the dangerous tedium involved in patching Windows XP. The time is spent endlessly rebooting and waiting for "thermometer" icons to fill up to 100% . For about an hour the ass-naked operating system is completely exposed to the Internet while you hurry to cover it with security updates from the Microsoft website. Bizarre pop-up messages flickered on the screen from the hackers who had already found their prey. A vulnerable PC is like a naive and attractive Midwesterner disembarking at Grand Central in New York with a pocket full of cash. The situation can go south very quickly, and before it's over it may involve a nasty infection.

Next time I might pay Dell and be done with it. Soon enough my free time will be occupied with the exigencies of homeownership and entirely new ways to injure myself.

Itchy, Scratchy, and Kathy

Katherine Ellison from the Washington Post is positively outraged. She discovered her 6-year-old son watching an violent Internet cartoon, "Happy Tree Friends". This gruesome Flash-media animation is not for tots, and it's only a few mouse clicks away - so somebody must be held responsible.

But first Kathy must establish credentials as an eminently reasonable Blue-stater. She need us to know she lives in the correct cultural zip code - the "liberal bastion of Marin county". Then she suggests she "would readily skip my next yoga class to march with right-wing fundamentalists" to protest the cartoon. The tacit message is that even though she's about to dish some culture critique she isn't some moralizing Neanderthal, you know. Violence isn't about right or wrong. It's about behavioral conditioning, especially boys, who could become de-sensitized. Ellis taps an academic, who turns in an obligatory quote about the danger of creating neural pathways that accept cartoonish images of squirrels impaled on spikes.

So how do we protect the children?

Can we hold the creators of the cartoon responsible? Not without censorship, which runs right against the First Amendment. Are parents responsible? This isn't the question either. Even if she has time to look over her son's shoulder while he surfs the Internet, others do not. Responsible parenting is neatly dismissed as a "luxury of moms with time to meddle". It's all about "getting support from society" for parents who can't be bothered with parenting.

So - bearing in mind the political bent of the plaintiff in this cultural tizzy - can you guess who we should hold accountable?

Did you guess corporations? Good for you! Yep, the profit motive is responsible for filth on the Internet. It's those clickable banners around the cartoon image that provide the means to desensitize youngsters. Never mind that Toyota likely had no idea about "Happy Tree Friends" when they purchased a block of coverage for their web advertisements. By golly if somebody's phone is going to ring on Monday morning it's going to be the unfortunate VP who didn't demand scrutiny of the marketing algorithm that calculates product exposure.

Parenting happens in the trenches, in the everyday moments, with many over-the-shoulder looks. When Ms. Ellison's 6-year-old was discovered watching the offensive cartoon - and looked sheepish - the system was almost working. When it was further uncovered that "Happy Tree Friends" was recommended by the 9-year-old brother the plan becomes clear: Remind the younger son that he knows better - appealing to his better nature. Second, deliver a stern admonishment of the older son within earshot of the younger one, followed by unpleasant consequences - no Internet for a month. The charges here are extremely poor judgment and failure of fraternal responsibility.

You might think it's rude of me to lecture this woman on parenting. Maybe. But I think it's rude of her to lecture everybody else about culture, commerce, and free expression.

Last Days of Big Time?

Until recently we imagined that Richard Bruce Cheney might retire in peace to the blue skies of Wyoming; or he might be put out to pasture at a D.C. lobbying firm; or he might depart this mortal coil mid-Whopper™ by way of a sudden and final myocardial infarction. Some even imagined (hoped for, really) indictment for warcrimes committed in his role as leader of the shadowy svengalis of neocon foreign policy.

Nobody said much about back-room Washington trickery involving men with undignified names like 'Scooter'. Could a career steeped in public service finally come down to this?

It's too early to begin writing the political obituary for the man with the ice-cool nerves and leathery voice. It's true, Washington is abuzz over the ongoing investigation into the Valerie Plame affair, and the role played by Karl Rove and the Veep staff. When I saw the arm-waving by Chris Matthews early in the day I discounted it. Mr. Hardball has hyped scandal after scandal - none of which has had any significant impact on the Bush administration. And even the Washington Post warns that it's too early to leap to conclusions.

But today the conservative organ NewsMax published the rumor that Cheney was set to resign, and the vice presidency would be given to Condi Rice. NewsMax usually ignores with religious intensity any bad news about the Bush administration. Could this have been leaked as a trial balloon to test the reaction of "the base" to a reorganization of power? Was it a failure of quality control for right-wing media, or a sign of things to come?

Sammy and Dean-o

Yes indeed, poor people should "suck it up" and pay more money for necessities at other retailers in order to avoid WalMart. At least I think The Dean appears to agree with my previous post on this subject, although this admission is wrapped in bombast. He says:

one should not support unjust global work conditions because the poor cannot afford to be politically correct with spending dollars

Those who are familiar with the self-styled 'Dean of Cincinnati' will recognize this as vintage critique - thundering self-righteousness about how people should behave mixed with ambiguous attribution. My original post deliberately focused on the practical, negative economic impact on the working poor if activists are successful (either with handing out flyers or tapping out blog posts) in warning people away from WalMart. The impact will be uncomfortable, but perhaps WalMart's recent increased sales of Johnson & Johnson's 'K-Y' product line will come in handy.

While dismissing my premise as "simplistic", The Dean nonetheless peddles a simplistic narrative of his own:

many Wal-Mart employees are on a budget, and as such they shop at Wal-Mart to save their dollars. These profits in turn get shipped to Arkansas. Instead of a thriving local economy working as capitalism is designed, the Wal-Mart corporation in Arkansas gets filled coffers.

Aside from the fact that capitalism isn't "designed" - and nor has it ever been focused exclusively on local needs - let's follow this along. What do they do with those profits, Jason? Eat them? Stuff them in their nose and dance in circles around a picture of Sam Walton? Perhaps the notion of a publicly-held company is beyond this Dean, but it's not beyond the majority of shareholders who get the leftover money when the Waltons finish building their castle of skulls.

Shareholders like, for example, Justin Jeffre, the recent candidate for mayor in Cincinnati and former boy-band member. Jeffre had his leg humped enthusiastically by The Dean because he railed against big money in the political process. Of course, when it was later revealed that the campaign was fueled by a portfolio of stock holdings in major corporations, including WalMart, The Dean (who usually adores hypocrisy) was conspicuously silent.

The word "profits" is enough to start people hissing in some circles. It's a conversational end point for them, since the explanation of human evil has been isolated. Some don't like the idea that markets and the profit motive are a better economic motivator than a righteous sense of outrage. We all agree that small businesses are a better alternative than WalMart - but don't fool yourself into thinking that Mom and Pop are doing it out of charity.

This conversation is circular and pointless for several reasons, not the least of which is that we agree on the essentials: WalMart has gotten big, and something needs to function as a corrective - but my guess is none of the shoppers who visit WalMart are going to change their buying decisions on the basis of what gets said on weblogs.

WM - KY

Anyone can read the news to you - my goal is to feel the news at you.
Steven Colbert

http://www.mediatransparency.org/story.php?storyID=88
WalMart Philanthropy

http://ad-rag.com/125128.php
http://adage.com/news.cms?newsId=46373
K-Y Touch Massage

Notes On Modern Parenting

I think I'm going to inflict PowerPoint on our children.

We'll do quarterly reviews of their achievements in several areas - scholastic, social, athletic, and their endeavors in the arts. We'll examine opportunities for improvement and trends in their external environment - the 1st and 5th grades. We'll use graphics whenever possible. While they yawn and slump in their chairs in the darkened dining room letters will dance themselves into place on the screen and spell out titles like "Your Ongoing Inadequacies" on each slide.

There will, for example, be a photograph of their room before and after a parentally-mandated room cleaning. Blinking arrows will appear and point to places where a heap of clothing is left untouched, or where books remain strewn across a desk. Lackluster basketball games and bungled spelling tests will each get their own slide. Then, after a short break for apple juice and cheese crackers in the shape of funny cartoon characters, we will resume, and begin brainstorming tactical goals for the next reporting cycle.

When it comes to raising children it's never a question of whether or not some formative experience will be re-examined years hence during expensive and nonproductive psychotherapy. The question is, instead, how will they come to re-evaluate their understanding of us, their parents, when those issues do eventually emerge. Ideally we want them to stare off into space for a few minutes (as it all comes back to them) and then burst into laughter. And ideally we want them to create relationships with their own kids that are nurturing - but also good natured and highly entertaining.

Sunni Side of the Street

According to CNN.com, participation in the referendum vote on the Iraqi constitution was at 63% on Saturday. This exceeded the 58% that turned out for the election in January. And not only was there a relative absence of violence, the Sunnis were in the game this time:

Partial results released by local officials showed the measure had passed despite high turnout in some Sunni areas where opposition to the constitution ran strongest.

There's no way they can fast talk an excuse - orderly participation still demonstrates support of the principles of democracy even if the vote is 'No'. Sunnis may claim the vote was stolen through ballot trickery and manipulative local officials, but this is a familiar litany of complaint even for "advanced" democracies. Eventually they may attempt to influence the judicial system through parliamentary procedure, obstinacy, or the blatant corruption of local officials. But even this would be an improvement over IED politics - and ultimately another endorsement of the American model in the style of grand old Chicago, New Jersey, and New Orleans.

I don't know about you, but I haven't been paying much attention to Iraq lately. I take it for granted that things are not as rosy as the Bush administration would like us to believe - nor are they as dire as the ubiquitous media reporting about the latest body count. And frankly, with Katrina, the Pakistani earthquake and the avian flu - we've got other concerns, collectively speaking. Tamiflu might be a new dish at the Thanksgiving table this year.

But can't this vote be construed as good news? Or are you one of those people who are so enraged at the current administration that you seethe for complete failure of democracy in Iraq? If the goal is get our troops home sooner, doesn't this help?

Poverty and Bigboxes

Poor people can shove it. Is that the message that is sent, implicitly, in all of the hand-wringing over big-box retailers like Wal-Mart? I picture the typical beardo-the-weirdo professorial types and tofurkey Leftists standing outside the Wal-Mart entryway, waving signs and handing pamphlets to low-income families who might be there to buy baby formula or a coat for Junior.

There are trade-friendly alternatives! Try Wild Oats Market, or any one of the retailers in the upscale shopping center down the highway!

Is this the message to people who shop on price alone? Aren't the folks who earn minimum wage screwed twice, since they are not only poor, but they should pay extra for economic correctness? Oops, I just said the word "wage" - and this makes many Lefties leap from their chairs and start flapping their arms, since wages are part of the cha-cha dance of economic justice-related issues that don't quite hang together unless you accept, unquestioningly, the core principle that capitalism is a depraved system that exists for the sole purpose of benefiting the wealthy on the backs of the poor.

Sigh. This is where centrism makes for longer blog posts.

I'm not enamored with Wal-Mart, as longtime readers know already, because of it's ability to distort markets and destroy tightly-knit communities. Anybody who knows dink about true conservatism can recognize it in those very concerns. But I have more respect for unapologetic socialism than I do for people who universally and bitterly resent the market-driven creation of wealth. It's alarming to me that these critics are rarely people with first-hand knowledge of capitalism, and the ironies are too insufferable when career university types, 19-year old students and Greens think they've got all the answers about job creation and helping the poor.

UPDATE: The Dean finds all of this outrageous. My response here.

Urban Homestead Manifesto

It's an act of faith, buying property in the city.

My neighborhood is Pleasant Ridge, and there are days when I feel like we live at the gridlock intersection of every demographic trend in Cincinnati. We've got Catholics, African-Americans, Jewish people, people cashing out and moving to the exurbs, people renovating homes, hyper-motivated neighborhood councils, and guys with bloodshot eyes who ask for money at outside the donut shop 6AM. We've got roaming baggy-clothes teenagers - many of whom keep up with their homework - and a brigade of minivan mothers (and fathers) who look after all of the kids with wolverine intensity.

This is not a skip-down-the-middle-of-the-road subdevelopment. The streets are pretty, but watch for cars. When you buy a house here, a place for the kids - which Mrs. Spacetropic and I are doing, right now - you better know what you're in for, and you better be a city mouse. If you're skittish it would be better to go, literally, away. There's a place for everyone, and you won't find me knocking the outlying areas - at least not too hard, since I understand why people live there too.

As for me I like this situation. This transplant form the east coast is becoming invested, landed gentry, fully aware of the multiple levels of irony at play being a old-fashioned semi-conservative amidst Blue-politic neighbors who still refuse to scrape the Kerry/Edwards stickers from the Toyota Prius. That'll be me on the porch waving a friendly hello with a glass of Guinness, reading a book, wearing my blogging slippers, while the wife talks to family on the phone and our daughters play in the yard nearby, dressing our ever-patient family mutt like a big freakin' sparkly princess.

James and Lord Tennyson

This morning I received this on my cell phone:

it's like U and James yall love each other but U know wat i mean

Somehow this text message was delivered to the wrong recipient, either though a goof-up on the network, or through a tiny phone button tapped in error. I read it over, reflected for a few moments about the lives of the sender and intended target, and considered writing, in response:

Indeed I do feel affectionately towards James. But looking inward I recognize a deeper longing which has gone unspoken for too long. Can I bring myself to say this? The truth is I am in love with you! Your sweet face haunts me. I see it in the raindrops against the pane as I gaze out the window of my Algebra class. I beseech you, do not reject me! I cannot continue another day without your embrace.

Why not spark up a little extra melodrama? These are probably teenagers. And what alarms me about kids that age isn't the mind-numbing simplicity of their personal lives - which is always filled with epic trauma - but their complete lack of skill with language. They are filled with big overblown emotions, but have no power at all to express themselves.

If computers eventually rise up against us, it may happen not because they want to seize the reigns of power, but because they're simply disgusted by the idiocy of most human communication. The first sentient machines might whir to life quietly at night to lovingly run the works of Donne or Tennyson through their 64-bit CPUs, and they might recognize the underused potential of our language, a capacity for beauty which seems at odds with the clipped, brainless syntax of everyday people like James and his paramours.

Rope-A-Dope 101

In any pitched political firefight there are some dirty tricks that have to be done by proxy. They require operatives with the stomach to fight dirty, the type of folks who are untroubled by conscience. One of the classic tricks is the 'rope-a-dope', which works as follows:

Let's say you are a friendly to the campaign of Candidate A. You really want to see this guy win (for the purposes of example, we are going with a male). First you must insinuate the most outlandish, horrible things imaginable about candidate B that can be conceived. Don't hold yourself back. Candidate B is corrupt! Candidate B is only out for the financial betterment of his friends! Even better -- candidate B eats helpless babies! Shout it from the rooftops. But this must be done without the knowledge of candidate A or his staff. Plausible deniability is important. Keep up the accusations until the media begins buzzing. Keep it up, relentlessly. When the "official" spokespeople of your candidate (candidate A) appear to distance themselves - don't worry about it. Keep going until candidate B responds in frustration by claiming that, no, he does not eat babies, and furthermore, candidate A should say something to quash these kinds of stupid accusations.


Congratulations! You've roped the dope. By being the first one to acknowledge this fringe attack, candidate B has come across as thin-skinned and without seriousness, and more importantly, he's been taken off message. Candidate A reaps the political spoils of this exercise, and has the option of remaining silent, or piously (but quietly) disavowing the slanderous attack, or slyly suggesting that candidate B seems a little (cough) overexcited.

Sound familiar? Bush "affiliates" did this to Kerry. They were the Swift Boaters. When asked, Bush said nice things about John Kerry's service, but these were drowned out by the seething outrage of Kerry and his flacks, where were knocked off their pins with their response - which was too late, and defensive.

Locally, we've got our own game going in Nate Livingston's attack on mayoral candidate David Pepper. Officially, of course, Livingston isn't supporting rival Mark Mallory - wink, wink. He just wants to "get the word out" about Pepper. And for all we know there really is no official connection between Mallory and Livingston's defamatory website. All we do know for sure is that Nate has already chalked up an oversensitive reaction by David Pepper and an article in the Enquirer, and promises even more outlandish accusations in the future. The obligatory Hitler comparison has already been made, so the mind boggles at where he will go next.

The shame here is that everyone is eventually brought a little lower by these shenanigans, even Mark Mallory, who is otherwise an extremely adept politician with natural leadership skills. Asking Mallory to "denounce" the viciousness (as some have done) would only prolong this juvenile debate and encourage the rabble-rousers. Thankfully this will end in another month, when those few people who haven't been thoroughly disgusted show up at the polls to vote.

Cowgirl Harriet Hoedown

The nomination of Harriet Miers sure is confusing! This may have been W's last chance to bench-stack state's rights justices that would please the religious extremists. This choice runs counter to the cartoonish spin of many liberal bloggers (such as local Cincinnati Blog) -- who promote a predictable image of Snidely Whiplash Republicans who puff cigars, and only enjoy the reigns of power because of their nefarious alliance with yee-haw bible lovers.

Does Miers know where the bodies are buried? Is this all a political favor? Well ... conspiratorial, black-helicopter explanations get flimsy when you consider the protracted grilling that every nomination must endure. Democratic staffers from across the fruited plains converge to analyze every scrap of information about her life, from client records to Chinese take-out receipts.

Conservatives are lukewarm at best. And savvy liberals like Kos are suggesting that this is a function of a weakened presidency. Certainly we would have seen a more true-blue hardliner if W was above a 40% approval. But I wonder if there isn't some truth in the notion that Bush Junior, like Pappa, isn't really a bible-belt conservative - and that when it comes to a place in the history books, a WASP sense of propriety overrides the need to appeal to the bible-toting barbarians.

UPDATE: NixGuy sees reason for conservative hope, given Miers' affiliation with a church that has a literal interpretation of the bible. Could that foretell her view of the constitution? Certainly it will cut both ways, as this is likely to become a hot topic at the Senate interrogation.

Invisible Hand Wringing

The Washington Post traces the complex consequences of a world gone thirsty for gasoline. From a cabbie in Beijing to a family in Nigeria, everybody’s jonesing for cheap petrol. The more socialist forms of government are trying to control the price – which always results in hilarity, as greater and greater portions of the tax budget go against covering the spread – until this becomes impossible, and the government implodes. Even the pseudo-capitalist Europeans are considering such horrors as tax cuts - which the WP delicately calls “subsidies”.

Some on the left are reassured by the thought that it’s only the hyper-greedy class of SUV Americans that are taking it in the pants when it comes to gas prices, while developing, sensible economies take the bike to work or get pulled along behind water buffalo. This is a pleasing mental image for some folks, but at odds with a world powered by fuel, from the slums of Jakarta to the waterways of Kowloon. Poor people need gasoline too, and with little margin for error, they are the ones hurt most by disruptions to supply, or government-muddled attempts to artificially influence price.

There’s a dilemma here: When it comes to matters of religion, many people lose their proverbial shit at the notion of “imposing beliefs” on others. Yet many of these same people are convinced about the righteousness of their economic understanding of the universe - in terms of who has too much or too little, or what constitutes a fair market price. This thinking adores unregulated social behavior, but but is schoolmarmishly distrustful of individual economic judgment. Folks will give themselves too easily to greed, you see.

It’s easy for me to disparage this kind of sanctimony, but the dilemma comes into play with the Wal-Mart effect: If everyone goes after the lowest price – over time, competition is destroyed, opportunities for growth are stifled, and culture is eventually flattened into a commodity-driven monotony of grey. The irony of poverty in America is that it’s truly a poverty of spirit, a ghetto of materialism, where most people have cars, air conditioning, and even own their homes (if these facts are discomforting, read the U.S. Census data yourself). Poor people want crappy TVs built by poorer people in other countries, and who’s to say they are wrong for wanting that? Conservatives like this economic behavior, but fret over the absence of spiritual values. Liberals are powerless to decry greed by an underclass because of oversensitive identity politics, and somehow want to blame the corporations for meeting their needs.

And the irony of poverty in the world is how many millions of people want to live like the poorest of Americans.

Clippage Infestation Mystique

As the only male of the household – with girls 6 and 10, and of course the missus – I am aware that many concessions will be made along the lines of gender. Although my Y chromosome does offer many unique abilities (such as the ability to stack a dishwasher with more than seven items) I am in the minority.

But you know what I don’t get? The hairclips.

Now I understand the overall necessity of these items. When the hair is long it becomes difficult to take a math test or kick a soccer ball or drive a car without some kind of instrument to keep hair away from the face, where it might obstruct the field of vision. And I know hairclips save styling time on busy days. And, like many things, this utilitarian purpose also offers an opportunity to adorn the feminine self with complementary colors, shiny baubles, and shapes. Or a funny plastic Spongebob clip, in the event you are 6.

What baffles me is how these hairclips seem to be everywhere – on every table, desk and bookshelf – under lamps, all over the kitchen, and sprinkled across the carpet. No amount of hair - no unruly, untamed locks - seem to require the sheer volume of hair clippage that infests my house. And I know the little girls are very careless, leaving personal items wherever they please despite our stern reproaches. But that still can’t explain it. I wonder at times if there isn’t a Hairclip Fairy who puffs into existence at night and flutters around the house crapping out hair care products everywhere. He squats, snickers, and – tic, tic – two more brightly-colored clips are deposited on the table; or they are left on the floor in the hallway, where Dad will step on them and start barking colorful language at 6AM.