Beowolf 2600

Gamer magazine 1UP.com roped together a group of precocious pre-teens, and sat them down in front of classsic videogames from the 80s and 90s, with entirely predictable results.

While playing the Atari classic "Adventure", one kid, Parker, keeps observing that the fearsome dragon looks more like a duck, and suggesting that "Street Fighter" could use more blood and gore.

Listen, kid. These videogames were not made with multi-million dollar budgets, Hollywood actors, or an army of graphics programmers dedicated to making each part of Laura Croft jiggle alluringly. In my day we had to use our imaginations, Parker, that dusty corner of your wit which, owing to it's neglect and malnutrition, is only able to render the world bleak and gray during those fleeting seconds when you are plucked from the nipple of mass-media stimuli.

In my day games like "Adventure" had to be translated from the original Prussu-Hungarian before we could play them. We often built joysticks by hand, using cast-off balsa wood and tin coils, which we obtained by trading buttons with the ragpicker.

So stop calling it a duck, Parker.