Paula Deen in High Definition

My cable provider keeps adding HD channels without any fanfare, leaving us to discover them by accident, since most of the time our viewing is done by cycling through the 'favorites'. Now we've learned to surf through a previously-unused patch of channels - heck, there are only about 1000 of them - to see if new HD content has been made available. This was how we discovered 'Food Network HD'.

Overall, Food Network is decent entertainment. Alton Brown is incredibly useful, and Gaida DeLaurentis is easy on the eyes. Rachel Ray and Emeril are both overexposed - evidence that someone in the marketing and promotion chain forgot that all they do, at the end of the day, is make dinner. Mario Batali seems like a real chef - a couple of days beard growth and some obviously high blood pressure - which is why they don't put him on screen very often.

The new Food Network in high definition, however, seems to feature one particular chef in the pantheon, Paula Deen. Her specialty is home-style, southern cooking - rich with animal fats and sugar, and topped off with a squealing, cloying country smarm that dances a little jig after licking the spoon. Bacon, barbque, butter rolls, deep fried steak - there it is in high definition, with Paula mugging delightedly above the spread. (They keep the electric paddles just off camera, Mrs. Spacetropic remarked.)

She seems like a nice lady, but watching her in HD is like sitting in her lap. And she's on there constantly.

Here's my idea for a show: Drop a team of five young athletic people, female and Jessica Alba-like, preferably, into the northern wilderness of Canada with nothing but bowie knives and a team of HD camera people following them around. Make them catch, kill, and eat their dinner. Lets see the next generation of Food Network stars dressed like Betty Rubble and wrestling an elk to the ground before impaling it on wooden stake above an open-pit barbecue. Maybe the network could drop key supplies in caches throughout the forest - a bundle of truffle oil and garlic - but otherwise they'd be forced to live off the land. Get Anthony Bourdain, half loaded, to provide color commentary from a helicopter.

Obviously this is a superior idea, one which resonates on many deep psychological levels. I offer my services as executive producer. Reps from the E.W. Scripps Company can reach me at the email link above.

Tags: Paula Deen, HDTV, Food Network, E. W. Scripps Company