The Lovely Summer Weather

When the time comes to retire, I'm setting up a database.

Now bear with me for a moment. The plan is live out my golden years tooling back and forth to the cafeteria-like restaurants in the Lincoln Town Car with the wife - whie receiving messages from our children on the brain implants that will, by then be ubiquitous. But most critically, I demand some moderate weather. I will live anywhere in America, ideally by the ocean - but more importantly, in a place which has the most number of days of the year with highs in the 70s.

Hopefully my geek skills will still have some luster in those years - because I'm going to download a massive amount of weather data from the government, and crunch the numbers, and whatever towns or locales have the most average days with highs in the 70s - those will be the red pins on the map. Then we'll move on to other factors, such as real estate prices and other trivial concerns.

Because this Cincinnati weather just sucks.

Spring consists of three days, at most, in the 60s and 70s. Then, in the blink of an eye we're socked with month after month of the smeary yellow-gray skies and temperatures in the 90s, with enough humidity to choke a horse. Days like today, with a heat index around 110, are simply disgusting. The walk back and forth to your car is like a trip through the ass-crack of hell. (Wasn't that a poem by Arthur Rimbaud?)

Public schools - most of which are not air conditioned - are closing. Pity the children who live in homes and apartments without A/C. And somebody better check on the old folks who live by themselves, because they might be in mortal peril. We don't want to be like those enlightened socialists in France, who allowed several hundred elderly people to die during a particularly sweltering Parisian summer.

Fall can't come too soon. Pray the electric grid holds out ...