iBoob: Visualize Baby Peace

Our three-month old daughter seems to have a special fondness for delivering smiles and coos towards her father - except when she's hungry -- in which case I get a crinkle-browed, angry expression. She knows I don't have the goods, and so far there's no acceptable substitute for the two-course buffet that is Momma.

But over the weekend, while attempting to soothe my little girl through one of these discomforting moments (my wife was at the store) - I discovered something that does the trick. It should work on most babies: Park the infant on your knee in front of the computer, fire up Apple's iTunes, select an appropriate musical choice and turn on the "visualizer", full screen.

The swirl of colors, changing patterns, and contrasts has a incredible effect on the newborn brain. The facial expression that ensues is best described as a "David Bowman" - agape wonder mixed with fear - as seen on the face of the astronaut during the final moments of Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey when the mysteries of the universe are revealed in psychedelic intensity.

For about an hour on Saturday my infant daughter did a Bowman in front of iTunes, all the while forgetting whatever had made her cry. Somebody should market this - an LCD encased in high impact plastic that can be affixed near the crib which illuminated with swirling patterns at the click of a button. I'd like to think it grows brain cells at a rapid pace, but maybe it just turns them into little stoners. (Some doctor will need to look into it.)

What's the perfect music? My choice was Stereolab, and in particular "Le Boob Oscillator" - for obvious reasons, but also because it's a dose of rhythmic, Moog-inflected progressive pop music - sung in French, no less.