Are You Literally A Complete Moron?

From a campaign advertisement by local politician Charlie Winburn:

The ad showed a masked man loading a revolver and said that one of the thug's bullets might have your name on it. "City leadership," it said, "is literally playing Russian roulette with your life."

Blogger Brian Griffin denounces this as opportunism and a needless insult to the city. And while I strongly believe that public safety and the perception of crime are both real issues - the former has a terrible impact on the urban poor, while the latter sends everyone else into conniptions - the whole topic seems like a very poor subject for a campaign advertisement.

You can be a law-and-order candidate with a positive message, but it takes more skill and imagination than was apparently possessed by whoever came up with that one. Winburn - who has been endorsed by Rudy Giuliani in the past - should take a page from his political playbook.

Also, as an English major, I have become almost psychotically annoyed when people fail to use the term 'literally' in the right context. Here's how it works: If you say it's literally raining cats and dogs - then you mean that Cuddles and Buster are tumbling out of the clouds and splattering all over the pavement. It means it's really true. So unless Chuck Winburn is suggesting that the city is holding up a six-shooter with only one barrel loaded to the cranium of it's citizens, a la The Deer Hunter, he means it metaphorically.

The phrase is reserved for extraordinary circumstances, so people can understand that a statement is not mere hyperbole. If, for example, Mrs. Spacetropic sends me a text message on the way home from work that says one of our precious daughters literally pulled her arm out of her socket while attempting to reenact a Cirque de Soleil routine in the backyard with the family dog - then I divert my course towards the emergency room and begin scripting a fatherly lecture about careless horseplay.

Incidentally, conservative pundit Sean Hannity commits this lexical atrocity about every ten minutes. To the extent I've ever listened to his cloddish, unimaginative commentary (which seems to exist for no other reason than to make Rush Limbaugh look smarter) - he's constantly claiming that Hillary Clinton will literally be reaching for the voter's wallet if she is elected, or some-such - and as a result I find myself metaphorically ready to take out my radio with a sturdy old hammer.

Tags: Charlie Winburn, Sean Hannity, Brian Griffin

Columbia Gets Played Anyway

Amid the torrent of self-congratulation over Lee Bollinger's alleged "schooling" of the dinner-jacket dictator, the fact remains, Columbia University got played. For confirmation of this sorry fact look no further than the top story that was released in the mullah-controlled Iranian newspapers.

Despite entire US media objections, negative propagation and hue and cry in recent days over IRI President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s scheduled address at Colombia University, he gave his lecture and answered students questions here on Monday afternoon.

On second day of his entry in New York, and amid standing ovation of the audience that had attended the hall where the Iranian President was to give his lecture as of early hours of the day, Ahmadinejad said that Iran is not going to attack any country in the world.

Before President Ahamadinejad’s address, Colombia University Chancellor in a brief address told the audience that they would have the chance to hear Iran’s stands as the Iranian President would put them forth.

He said that the Iranians are a peace loving nation, they hate war, and all types of aggression. Referring to the technological achievements of the Iranian nation in the course of recent years, the president considered them as a sign for the Iranians’ resolute will for achieving sustainable development and rapid advancement.

The audience on repeated occasion applauded Ahmadinejad when he touched on international crises.

No mention of the Bollinger's lacerating introduction, no coverage of the enormous protests outside, and of course not a single word over the widespread public ridicule of A-jad's idiotic comments about homosexuality.

In situations like this, the question becomes simply who has the most to gain? Academic debate shouldn't be dismissed - there's a value in challenging one's own default perspective. But how much of that happened here? I'm looking for the interviews with anyone, on any side of the political debate who could say with honesty that they had their mental furniture rearranged, pro or con anything, by hearing this insipid little jackwit hump his talking points and avoid questions.

And the answer is simply that the dictator gained the most by consolidating his power, however incrementally, among the Islamo-nutcase fringe, in his country and elsewhere, places where there really is an actual media-government secret cabal that not merely distorts, but invents outright lies in the place of news. The most convincing lies, of course, have a faint shred of truth - and thanks to these enlightened minds at Columbia this brutal runt can claim to have possessed a microphone at a major American university.

And as for the "Bush is Worse" crowd: What a pathetic example of moral equivocation from a fringe that has been made blind to objective reality thanks to partisan hate goggles.

I'll tell you what. When roaming gangs of state-sanctioned fundamentalists are beating up women that are supposedly dressed provocatively and hanging homosexuals in the public square in our largest city - when that happens, then Bush is worse. When the Bill of Rights and free elections cease to exist, when the state actually controls the media instead of merely influences it like any other large entity, then Bush is worse. When (listen carefully) the government funds a group like Hamas that inspires a death-cult around slaughtering civilians, and doing so not accidentally but systematically, because they don't have the courage or the technical ability to hit military targets - then Bush is worse.

When those things happen, I will oppose the government myself, and join you in the protest march, or if necessary the underground revolutionary meeting. Meanwhile, let's be clear - it's not the people of Iran but the regime that does all of those things today, as a matter of policy. Their leadership denies them the ability to self-govern in the form of basic democracy, and beats them into submission when they resist. And thanks to willing dupes in the West, under the guise of open-mindedness, we are assisting them in propagating their revolting, anti-humanitarian rule.

Not helpful, Columbia.

Puzzling Evidence: The Syrian Nuclear Mystery

The media has largely ignored one of the most intriguing foreign affairs story in recent memory - the raid, by Israel, on Syria on September 6th. And the media deserves at least a partial free pass, since the factual details of the story are so slim, and they amount to simply that: There was (we think) a raid, by Israel, on Syria.

Other news organizations have added a few curious details. The Syrian very loudly complained that Israeli jets invaded their airspace - then suddenly became very silent on the matter. The Israel public is very happy, to the extent they know what actually happened, and Ehud Barack's approval ratings, which were previously quite low, showed a noticeable uptick. And, the most relevant item - the North Koreans have apparently been doing some kind of business with Syria - and a vessel from DPRK purportedly containing "cement" was unloading only days before the attack.

And here's some physics for dummies - myself included, I actually had to confirm this with a bona fide physicist - one way to hide the radiological signature of fissile material is to surround it with, you guessed it, cement.

With all of the above taken into consideration - here's the big question: Why are all of the key governments (D.C., Damascus, Pyongyang, Tel Aviv) - so darn quiet about what actually went down on 6 September? Hasn't somebody been given cause to go public with some kind of outrage? The president was asked about this repeatedly during his recent conference, and he more or less cut off the question, and refused to answer.

But there's another potential clue today from the UK Times Online. Instead of the average, swoop down and bomb them to bits style raid, sources have suggested that what actually took place was Israeli commandos took possession of the nuclear material itself - which would be a very, very smart thing (albeit astonishingly brave) to do. It's easy to argue about a smoking crater - and to claim that it was a baby formula facility, when both parties know that it was making biological agents. The game, from that point forward, is public preception. But if the Israelis got their hands on the goods, well then they have hardcore proof.

And not only that - they have a certain type of forensics. They can tell how far along the North Koreans are in their refinement capability - possibly even the method they are using. They can also tell what type of ore has been used to produce the nuclear material. And all of this leads to very specific intelligence on who is supplying these renegade countries with the raw goods necessary for proliferation - it's a certifiable "chain of custody" for dirty, rotten international badness - and a smoking gun to boot.

There are many, many other questions of course, and since the story has been criminally underreported so far, we can only guess how long it will be before the public has answers. Let's hope some ambitious journalist (or more likely, blogger) is pushing hard.

Tags: Syria, North Korea, Nuclear Proliferation, Israel

The Return of Darth Rather

He could have retired quietly, with at least the illusion of dignity, surrounded by a cocoon of wealth and stature among politically like-minded friends and family. He could have re-lived his experiences covering the Vietnam war and the '68 convention, spinning those yarns again and again about the glory days of American journalism in the early days of television. He could have regaled his grandchildren with all of those bewildering Texas aphorisms about alligators and courage and dogs in the desert sun.

But instead Dan Rather wants vindication, delivered by the U.S. justice system, in the form of a ruling against his former employer, CBS. He thinks he was made a scapegoat when it was revealed that the documents that supposedly proved that George W. Bush was avoided service during his time in the National Guard were completely fabricated and fraudulent.

Because, you see, Dan Rather still thinks this story is true, even if the "facts" are false. He's willing to stand by this news item, even while everybody else knows, beyond dispute, that he was suckered into a sham by people with a political axe to grind. If Dan's going down, heck, he's taking a few others in the executive suite with him. He's one tough old Texas armadillo that won't go quietly into the night.

It's sad that he's willing to look so foolish and aloof, so unaware of a media environment that has long since changed radically from the days when news organizations could deliver their wares unchallenged. And his last shreds of dignity of disappearing for two reasons: One, he's reminding us with this lawsuit that he certainly wasn't the top dog at CBS - the buck didn't stop with Dan Rather. In the end he was a guy in a suit reading the news. And he's also telling us, whether he likes it or not, that "standards" and "integrity" are an illusion. CBS and company are easy foils when it comes to their partisan bias - and susceptible to the most facile "c'mon, you just know it's true" assumptions.

Darth Rather, mean until the end, won't be redeemed.

Tags: CBS, Dan Rather

The Human Moment

A story that begs for Onion-like ridicule: According to a recent survey, cell phones and the Internet have become so ubiquitous that many Americans would give up friends, even sex, for those all-important connections via technology (said the blogger, tapping away on his little laptop). The article elaborates:

"People told us how anxious, isolated and bored they felt when they are forced off line," said Ann Mack, director of trend spotting at JWT, which conducted the survey to see how technology was changing people's behavior. "They felt disconnected from the world, from their friends and family," she told Reuters.

This would be fine if we were all characters from a William Gibson novel - quirky and sleek, with bizarre names, and connected to some hyper-intelligent demimonde of rich people and oddballs. But were not. Most of us are everyday Americans, like the Slashdot crowd but without the engineering degree, surrounded by blinky LEDs, and completely repressed, sitting in front of a computer desk laden with empty pizza boxes and a nest of USB cables. Mere human contact in everyday meatspace makes us feel awkward. We don't use the Internet to do cool stuff. Instead we check an eBay auction and groan about an email from our boss.

Most alarming is the fact that cell phones are getting smarter, and more and more like a digital appendage. CEOs, home-makers, street hustlers - every day, constantly, everybody walking down the street downtown is looking down into tiny LCD screens, clicking away. Recently I went to Starbucks - true story, embarrassing, pathetic story - and while I was waiting for my grande, iced Americano (ridicule me mercilessly for that alone, I deserve it) I was scrolling through an email on my Blackberry. When the called my name I looked up - and there were three other guys my age, each of whom was looking down into their Blackberrys.

A moment like that almost inspires a radical aesthetic, a St. Francis of Assisi revelation, where you feel called to cast off all of the trappings of this imperfect, isolating age and wander off into the woods. Don't get me wrong - I certainly don't care to join those stanky Greens in the backwoods of Oregon - but strictly in terms of evolution we are social mammals, that not long ago lived in small tribes collecting food and grooming one another. And we're more than that, as flawed but grace-worthy souls, in my estimation. But no matter what, we're rigged for life with that tactile, visceral sense.

And I think, as I get older, it's the little things, those intensely human moments, that become even more precious. It's inside the unspoken information I share with my wife in mixed company, something very funny, acknowledged by the briefest of glances. It's the lame, awful joke with which somebody starts a business meeting, causing a few moments of almost breathlessly awkward silence. These days I enjoy that. It's the immensely happy belly-laughs of my nine-month old daughter, when I creep up behind her and tickle her back with a silly, ridiculous sound, or sing her name like an idiot while I crawl to the edge of her crib and peek over the side and see her brilliant, beaming face.

Those signals don't travel down the EDGE network.

Tags: Blackberry, St. Francis of Assisi, Slashdot

OJ II

Certainly most Americans agree: We care very little, and we most certainly do not want another months-long TV frenzy. Ten years ago the original OJ trial became the the template for every celebrity-justice non-news story that has happened in the years since. These are the default items, the dial tone coverage that the media uses to fill air time when nothing else is deemed worthy. It's the reason we have Nancy Grace bringing home the bucks for CNN with breathless commentary about the paternity tests of baby whats-her-face who belonged to that blond amazon that overdosed. It's the reason a whole generation of lawyerly talking heads now have jobs on the news nets (Greta Van Sustern? What are you kidding?).

It means absolutely nothing to our lives- unless we are training to be sleazy has-beens. It's worse than mere entertainment, worse than sitcoms and serial TV, which at least have the virtue of being outright fabrications, crafted for effect.

My primary response to the details of the most current Simpson debacle was simply (and ironically, for you nitwits) - "looks like the grand conspiracy against OJ is finally coming together". That and to observe how sad and how pathological his life must be - he's a walking breathing lie, a sinkhole of smug corruptness that disgusts the vast majority (now, thankfully) of American society, to the extent we give the story a second of interest. If he's convicted, fine. Put him under the jail, where we won't need to hear from him again.

But here we go. Headline news - bail has been set at $125k - low enough that perhaps it might be paid by the E! Entertainment Extra cabal, in hopes that he might run again, and the saturation coverage can commence.

From Russia With Love

The population of many parts of the world is in precipitous decline, especially among those bad old European white people. If you take out immigration from North Africa and Central Asia, it looks like there won't be too many continental Christians, or even formerly Christian secularists in another twenty or thirty years. The post-colonial self-haters will certainly be delighted.

But not so fast, say the folks in one corner of Russia, who have created something very loosely translated as "Family Contact Day":

The special day for encouraging procreation was dreamt up by the governor of Ulyanovsk province, Sergei Morozov, who this year awarded prizes ranging from a television to a Russian-made all-terrain vehicle for giving birth on Russia's Constitution Day on June 12.

That's right folks, they're getting some Russian kind of freaky, in a city that (according to the article) was named after Valdimir Lenin - who we are told was originally named Ulyanovsk. And on that point - I'm just an ignorant American, but that name sounds dorky to me, and makes wonder whether communism wasn't born out of the resentment fostered by young Uly getting the crap pounded out of him repeatedly on the playground.

So the ironic twist here is that they are giving away obviously Western products like ATVs and televisions if you score one for Mother Russia such that the little comrade pops out one June 12th of next year.

Whatever motivation they use, this is an idea whose time has come. Sarkozy, call your office. Whatever it takes to create a few more Norwegians, non-rioting French, and Italians - all of whom have simply dismal birthrates. Step one is to acknowledge the problem, and see that kids are the only way to a strong society, not to mention an economy that can support their quasi-socialist ideals. But ... to put it in the words of another famous Lennon: Everybody's making love and no one really cares.

Strange days indeed.

The True Cost of the Commuter Lifestyle

People complain about high taxes in the city, and people complain about crime in the city. But they are willing to spend up to 20% of their income on gas and travel expenses thanks to the commute back and forth to the city from their exurb communities, according to the U.S. Census bureau. Cincinnati is one of the worst in the country in terms of how much expense (as a portion of income) people are willing to assume for the commuter lifestyle.

Again, this is not a city versus the 'burbs issue, with one side a clear winner or loser. It simply serves to underscore the trade offs that come when you want housing that is free and clear of the perceived risks of life in a city. Wide open spaces are appealing - but they are wide open for a reason - they are far and away from the central hubs of commerce, communication and -- an item that matters less to some people -- culture.

But these statistics do put the lie to the idea that people are living in the donut communities because their are simple economic advantages. I've never given much credence to the tax argument - many of these exurbs are going to need infrastructure improvements than can only be made with increasing municipal taxes. And the article cited above crunches the number on yearly expenses for a 20-mile round trip commute - (gas, parking, and depreciation) and ballparks a figure of $8,000 per commuting worker making one-passenger trips.

It looks to me like you could live in town, pay increased taxes due to rapid transit - and still keep more, potentially much more, of your net income by saving on the commute. And I'm not some wild-eyed green - but lets be honest, about another dividend: It sure wouldn't hurt the folks in the husky old Midwest to walk more often, thereby saving a few dollars in long-term hearth care to boot. But that's not how they psychology works: We'll shell out the bucks to drive everywhere, paying whatever it takes, on our terms - but any more dollars paid towards our corrupt old government - that's perceived as some grand swindle.

It looks to me like you pay either way.

Pie of the Tiger

It's festival season here in the neighborhood, when Catholic, Jew, Protestant and the sinfully unaffiliated roll out, one and all, at our local parish for carnival rides, live entertainment, big sloppy hot dogs and frothy beer from plastic cups. (Sunday is the last day for the Nativity Fall Fest - visit if you can, between 3:00 and 10:00.)

Festival season brings with it the annual pie contest, of course, as judged by our pastor and school principal. The competition is brutal, and this year, Mrs. Spacetropic has entered the fray swinging with her Chocolate Oats n' Honey Pie.

She woke up early this morning, and the kitchen was a hurricane of eggs cracking, nuts chopping and the occasional lady-like profanity. Sometimes I would poke my head in, and offer some unhelpful observation about the ferocity of the parish pie competition, and how many of the entrants were ruthless - with years of experience. "This is really something you train for," I observed, "Like in Rocky III, where he's banished to Siberia while his Soviet competitor uses all of the high-tech equipment, but Rocky, in the spirit of American ingenuity, lifts boulders and jogs through the tundra to train for the fight. That's how badly you need to want it to win the church pie competition. You probably need to spend several years getting the crust right, and make a visit to some wise old woman who lives in a forest and guards some ancient pie-related secret."

"Honey, how about you get out of the kitchen." she suggested cheerfully, one eye twitching.

Later she claimed to just be in it "for fun" and that she was "not like that" when it comes to these contests - but I think I've seen the heart of a champion, and I'm ready to be her ringside Adrian, - loyal, worried and proud.